365days2maim

Dear Mike,
I wish there were more words in the English, or really any, language to express how much I love you. I think about you constantly, I dream about you, you are never out of my head. And I miss you more than you know. I know it's partially my fault that this whole "visiting" thing isn't happening the way we planned. But I can't help my mother.
I want you to know how much it hurts me when I see picture of you and Allison together. I understand they are old...some of them three years. I understand that you love me and not her. There are so many rational thoughts about this going through my mind, but regardless of all that, I can not help the way I feel. It really bugs me that you guys hung out the other day. And it bugs me that you're offended by it. I know you're not going to run away from me, but can't you understand that you hanging out with the first girl you ever loved, the girl who took your virginity and her yours and the girl who broke your heart makes me uncomfortable. It's not that I don't have faith in you, it's just the thought of you being so near to someone that was once so close makes me realize how easily I could lose you and how much that would hurt.
Plus I can't stand being away from you. It hurts me so much that you're not there to hold when I wake up nor to kiss me when I make a stupid joke. I hate this distance and I feel so separated from you. It's so painful I've even contemplated breaking up with you; just to spare me the pain from when we actually do and I have to see you with other girls and in everyday situations and not be able to hold you and touch you and kiss every part of your body. It's hard enough when we're four hours away and in love, I can't imagine it when we've wounded each other and live 3 minutes away.
I know I'm hard to deal with. I'm insecure and needy, quick to anger and temperamental. But you do know how to deal with me, and you calm me down and make me feel safe. Here at home I feel myself falling into terrible old habits; I drink too much, smoke cig after cig, and let my mother's words cut me deeper than they should and once again, I contemplate purging my dinner. You are my safeguard from that and without you I feel so lost.
There's really no conclusion to all this, just musings. I love you. I miss you. I need you and I want you. I hope to see you soon.

Kristen